ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
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Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Its true…
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.