Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
You Might Also Like
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.