My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
notice
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
and now we wait
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.