[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
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Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
This is what makes twitter great
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.