[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
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I just love that new Pope smell.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My first child will be named New Folder.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
👾👾👾
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv