Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Wait a second…
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Ghost costume 😂
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet