[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*has no idea what a book even is*
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.