*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
oh you wanna fight?!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man