The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Terribly Tuesday.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”