Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
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I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel