[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
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me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat