Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo