ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You Might Also Like
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime