NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
You Might Also Like
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”