Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh