ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
You Might Also Like
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…