*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal