i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
These 3D printers are insane!
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic