I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK