5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*