the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Ironic
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Mistakes were made
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.