Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
White parent Vs Arab parents
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that