The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”