This raises questions
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mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Trumpy Cat
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.