Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
🤣🤣
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Only a mother’s love …
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.