it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*seductively corrects your posture*
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.