People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Shortcut
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
sigh
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.