Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
HOW DARE YOU
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!