Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I’m Sold!
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]