sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.