I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time