2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
You Might Also Like
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”