*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Bless you
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.