Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My love language is deader than Latin