Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
is this store having a stroke wtf
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.