Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Steam Forums
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg