19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
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how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Happy weekend !