Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
peak technology