That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
the simulation is moving too fast