When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*