“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
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Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
This is I, Robot all over again
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read