Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
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Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?