I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.