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A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*