Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
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Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I need to get some bricks…
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.