Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
You Might Also Like
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.