Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye