DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Are you ok, human???
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.