Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Best seat on the street 😍
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Brilliant!
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.