New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Straight people are cancelled
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes